HO HO NO! An artist's impression of the totally real and not fake theft of letters to Santa.

Every holiday season, Volume One sends an intern to break into the post office late one night to intercept a few pieces of correspondence between locals and Santa Claus, which we publish in our holiday supplement. This year, much to our surprise, our intern discovered something even more intriguing: a bag of undelivered historical letters between Chippewa Valley residents and St. Nick! We’ve selected a few of our favorites to share with you here. Happy holidays!

December 4^th, 1991

Dear Santa Claus,

We’ve been working hard all year, and what we want more than anything is a day off. Could you please arrange to close the tire factory so we can have a chance to relax?

Sincerely,

The Employees of Uniroyal

Dear Uniroyal Employees,

I apologize upfront – I’m crazy overwhelmed this year, so I was only able to skim your letter. To clarify… you want me to close Uniroyal? Are you sure? If that’s what you want, I’ll see what I can do.

Santa

December 10^th, 1947

Dear Father Christmas,

Something really important happened this year. I found my passion! Everyone thinks I’m too young, but I swear I’m not. I love fashion. I can’t get enough. Colors, textures, body lines … My life will be dedicated to couture, and for Christmas, all I want is fabric. Ginghams, velvets, the finest silks, I’ll transform it all into the most fantastic garments anyone can imagine.

Thank you, sir,

John Menard Jr.

Dear little Johnny,

I love when kids find their spark! Unfortunately, we’re having a bit of a situation at the North Pole. Shipping complications and supplier issues have left us without any textiles whatsoever. The baby dolls are naked. No one is getting the socks they want. (A piece of advice, kid – go learn about supply chains and national distribution networks and you will RULE THE WORLD.) Other than fashion, is there a chance you also have a passion for home improvement? I’ll bring you some lumber and plumbing fixtures. Maybe you can find a use for those?

With love,

Santa Claus

December 9^th, 1874

Dearest St. Nicholas,

In the dark of winter, I find myself at my loneliest. During the day the swinging of my great axe quiets these feelings, but the long nights sharpen my yearning to a point. I need a companion in the great white pine forests, a faithful friend to stand by while I fell the trees with my fellow lumbermen. Maybe a kitty? Or a chinchilla or something? Any fuzzy, adorable pet will do.

With kind regards,

Paul Bunyan

Mr. Bunyan,

Good to hear from you. Mythologic figures of American folklore represent! I would be thrilled to bring you a companion, but I’m not sure a cat or a guinea pig would survive the untamed frontier forest. Instead, I’ve got this blue … thing? It might be a cow? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m going to box him up and send him your way Christmas morning.

Happy lumberjacking!

Santa

November 29^th, 1996

To Whom It May Concern:

While this is normally the sort of thing we would send to the strategy and acquisitions department, our executive team is so full of Christmas cheer this year that we voted to seek your assistance instead. With much excitement, the Boston Market corporation respectfully requests that a Boston Market franchise be established in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. The community’s location, size, and culinary preferences make it an ideal spot for our brand of fast-casual dining, focused on classic American favorites like rotisserie chicken, turkey, meatloaf, and ham.

Thank you, Mr. Claus. We look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Steven Kolow and Arthur Cores, founders of Boston Market

Dear Mr. Kolow and Mr. Cores,

Eau Claire would LOVE a Boston Market. You should see how jacked up they got when the Applebee’s opened. There’s just one problem – the city’s struggling through some growing pains, which is mostly my fault (I messed up a Christmas request a few years back and closed their tire plant – it’s a whole story, I can tell you some other time). So, however much it seems like a natural fit, THERE WILL NOT BE, NOR HAS THERE EVER BEEN, a Boston Market in Eau Claire.

Love the chicken!

Santa

December 10^th, 1984

Dear Santa Claus,

You know what would be super bodacious? A new mall! Highland is pretty grody, London Square is OK, but another spot to hit the arcade and catch a movie with our friends would be totally tubular. Whaddaya say, Santa? There are some fields south of town that no one’s using!

Hang tough!

Chippewa Valley Youths

Dear ’80s Youths,

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that malls will be a core American institution for all time. I can’t even imagine what might come along to jeopardize the primacy of malls as a center of modern culture and commerce. Since investing in malls will always be such a smart and safe bet, I will definitely bring you another mall. You said you’ve got a space in mind? Any trees out there? Oak trees, hopefully? “Oakwood Mall” has a nice ring to it …

St. Nick

December 17^th, 2005

Dear Mr. Kringle,

Santa, we love our new building in Phoenix Park, but we’ve all been working A TON lately. Is there anything you can do to help us find some time off?

Thank you,

The Employees of RCU

Dear RCU Folks,

No way. Nuh-uh. I’ve been to this rodeo before. If you have an issue with your PTO, please take it up with your employer. I am DONE meddling in corporate affairs. But I will bring you some RCU swag. The letter openers and chip clip magnets they hand out are quite nice!

Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus