Listen, I’m not one to spread conspiracy theories unless they’re probably true. Then I’m totally one to spread conspiracy theories. I’ll spread ’em like gooey hazelnut chocolate paste all over a crispy, buttery shortbread cookie yum yum yum.

So, when I look at the abysmal state of Wisconsin’s current winter season, I just know there’s something funny going on. And not funny-ha-ha. Funny-nah-nah, I ain’t buyin’ it.

We go from snow to rain to subzero temps to more snow to 40 degrees to a deep freeze all in the course of a few weeks, and you wanna tell me that’s normal?

Wake up, Knucklehead.

Here are some likely explanations and things to consider …

Follow the Money, Lamebrain

A mostly snowless winter, sprinkled with a few flurries now and then, is just the latest scam from Big Flake to sell more flakes. Think about it! It’s an obvious cash-grabbin’ scheme aimed at the snowshoe, snowmobile, snowboard, snowplow, and sno-cone industries. As pent-up demand for snowy fun swells, these businesses face greater and greater pressure to buy tons upon tons of snow from the Military Snow-dustrial Complex.

What About the Weathermen, Chucklehead?

“Everyone blames the weatherman.” You know who says that? The weatherman. Cry me a river. Those shifty “meteorologists” (as if that’s a real science) have been lying to us for years. They can’t be wrong that often unless it’s on purpose. They’re eyeballs-deep in this mess, Jack. What are they hiding? I mean, has anyone ever actually seen a Doppler Radar? Didn’t think so. Throw another lie on the fib pile, Matt Schaefer, if that’s your real name.

Who’s paying you?

The Enemy’s at Our Doorstep, Ding-dong

I know a lot of you are enjoying this winter’s stretches of warm weather. Well, live it up, Ignoramus. Have fun acclimating to a new normal full of spring jackets and evening strolls. I know someone who’s not getting soft beneath the sun’s beautiful rays: the Cold War-era Soviet Union. It’s so obvious. Do you honestly think the USSR didn’t invent weather control and time travel machines back in the 1970s? Do you honestly think they didn’t plan a decades-long climate disaster to weaken our frosty resolve? I can’t wait to see your face when we all wake up to 60 below wind chills as a cosmic portal opens on your front lawn and the Russian Army comes marching through like it’s another Pleasant Valley Sunday. I can’t wait! I hope you like borscht and vodka, Nimrod.

Follow the Other Money, Doofus

Think for two seconds. Who else will benefit from a winter where temperatures wildly fluctuate from one hour to the next. That’s right: Big Layer. All those corporate fat cats out there will just keep getting richer as we buy sweater after sweater, hoodie after hoodie, and pair of thermal leggings after pair of thermal leggings. When the weather is unpredictable, we need fashionable mid-layer clothing options, and boy, are we gonna pay for ’em.

Remember the Deep State, Sweety?

If you’re one of those simpletons out there who doesn’t believe in the Deep State, I bet you can’t even read this without getting a nosebleed from the mental effort. Well, let me explain it to you like you’re a three-year-old. Wisconsin is a state. The floor of the state is made of dirt. Deep under the dirt is a massive cavern. The cavern is full of psychedelic sweet corn bioengineered by woke agricultural professors at UW-Madison back in the 1960s who were looking for a way to manipulate the average American man into becoming a dirty vegan. The program was abandoned when the corn gained sentience and developed the ability to alter weather patterns. We thought we’d buried that corn for good, sealed in the Deep State. But the corn found a way out.

And that’s why this winter sucks.