Conjuring up what’s sure to be its quirkiest incarnation yet, Vernon & Co. are bringing back the Eaux Claires music/art/writing/get ready, we’re doing things different festival in late July. But this time, they’re holding it in our beloved Carson Park.

And this time, it’s baseball themed?

Whatever. I’m not here to bash the festival like some hypothetical 50-year-old Midwestern bearded white man who listens to a lot of mid-90s alternative rock. I love the whole Eaux Claires thing, and this version looks weird and great and I hope the weather cooperates and everyone has a really good time.

It’s just that, like a hypothetical 50-year-old Midwestern bearded white man who’s never won a Grammy… I think I can do better.

I’m not talking about the festival itself. It looks like insanely hard work, and that’s not, how you say, “in my wheelhoux.” I’m talking about the lineup announcement event they just staged in downtown Eau Claire.

On a Wednesday night in February, Justin and his buddies dressed up as Eaux Claires-branded baseball umpires and packed The 410 Bar (downtown’s cleanest “dive” bar) with expectant fans. Amidst live country and electro-synth music (obviously), attendees opened “Lucky 22's Pull Tabs” revealing a partial lineup of festival performers. I think there was line dancing. Fun!

But in a truly bon-headed* move, no one from Vernon’s camp even tried to contact me for awesome, Midwesternly ideas on how to kick their announcements over the damn top. So now, dear reader, here’s just a small taste of the Sconnie magic on which they missed out…

Casserole Wrestling

Have a few lucky attendees leap into a kiddie pool filled with Justin Vernon’s mom’s tater tot hotdish. Somewhere amongst the tots and cream of mushroom, they’ll find a scrap of paper bearing the name of a festival performer. First to find it wins 10 Scoopie Tokens.

Hunters Welcome

Everyone shoots a whitetail deer with Vernon’s uncle’s .30-06 bolt action hunting rifle. Whomever gets the cleanest kill, ruining the least meat, gets to announce the food vendors.

Spelling Bee

Anyone who can correctly spell Ashwaubenon, Lac Courte Oreilles, Weyauwega, Oconomowoc, and/or Zack Zastryzny wins backstage passes.

Shorties for the Win

You’d need to stage this one in the alley out back. People sign up and compete to see how many Miller High Life short bottles they can drink in three hours. The person who drinks the most gets to pick the festival’s day-two headliner: Tori Amos, Travis Scott, Bonnie Raitt’s drummer, the original lineup of The BoDeans, or Sled Napkin.

Fastpitch Fish Fry

If you can hurl a chunk of deep-fried Walleye into Vernon’s dad’s mouth from 60 feet away, you’re named “Justin for a Day,” and you get to spend 24 hours in the hunting cabin where he wrote For Emma, Forever Ago.

Meat Raffle

Have a meat raffle.

Shucks-a-thon

The most self-deprecating person in the bar gets to have local New York Times bestselling author Michael Perry narrate their next family reunion.

Curd Nerd

If you can produce the original recipe for The Camaraderie’s cheese curds (RIP), you get to join Vernon live on stage to reenact his favorite high school football moments, go Abes.

Uecker Betchya

Best Bob Uecker impression gets to meet The National for breakfast at the Norske Nook in Osseo. You get to order anything, their treat.

*Thank you.