This year, our intrepid intern intercepted some letters to and from the Jolly Old Elf from around the Chippewa Valley.

Editors’ Note: For almost 15 years, Volume One has sent an intern to the post office in Eau Claire each holiday season to intercept local letters to Santa Claus, which we publish in our holiday issue. This year, to better understand our entire region, we made our intern hop on their bike and visit post offices in our outlying communities. Enjoy!

Dear Santa Claus,

We’d like a Chik-Fil-A.

Sincerely,
Osseo

Dear Osseo,

Of course you want a Chik-Fil-A. Everyone wants a Chik-Fil-A. You know, someday everyone will tire of their delicious chicken sandwiches, right? I’ve seen it a hundred times – what’s trendy today is the empty real estate of tomorrow.

I actually have some connections in the food service industry, and I’m not supposed to say anything, but the next big name in restaurants will be … Norske Nook. And you’ve already got one! When it comes to highly desirable foodstuffs, you’re set.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

Dear Kris Kringle,

You know how some towns have old military helicopters and tanks on their public land? Do you know where they get those? We’ve got a historical park with a train car and stuff, and it’s OK, but you know what would be even cooler? A huge missile! Or a battleship!
Is there any way you could bring us a nuclear submarine!?!

Love,
Fairchild

My Little Fairchild,

Gosh, you couldn’t be cuter! I actually have a nice stock of decommissioned Navy vessels for just this purpose, but there’s one big problem. Your creek is WAY too small for submarines, and submarines are a little big for the sleigh.

Tell you what … I’ll bring you an old Army Jeep, minimal rust, that only smells a little like opossum (once I evict the opossums currently living in it). Park it right alongside your train car, it’ll look real nice!

Love in return,
Mr. Kringle

Dear Santa Claus,

Our goal has always been to become a major population hub of the Chippewa Valley. Someday we will relish in the envy Eau Claire, Chippewa Falls, and Menomonie feel when they travel our streets and visit our businesses. Unfortunately, things aren’t going well. We need a jumpstart. For Christmas this year, can you bring us one of those catchy town nicknames? Boyd has “The Friendly Town – Why Go By?” Elmwood is infamous for “UFO Capital of the World.” Even Ettrick has one: “Fun City, USA.” We’re a fun city, too!

You’re a creative guy, Santa. I’m sure you’ll come up with something amazing.

Thank you,
Ludington

Dear Ludington,

It’s funny you should ask – I’m a bit of a genius when it comes to slogans. Check these out:

• “Ludington – Get the Lud Out”
• “Making Augusta Look Big For Over 100 Years – Ludington”
• “Ludington – Call Randy to Rent the Town Hall Cheap”
• “Ludington – Careful on Our Curve”
• “Where Public Nudity is Expressly Forbidden by Town Ordinance – Ludington”
• “Ludington – The Next Wisconsin Municipality to Get a Kwik Trip, We Swear”
• “Ding! Ding! Ding! It’s Ludington!”
• “Where One Guy Handles Everything from Road Repair to Mowing to Animal Control – Ludington”
• “The Opposite of DULLington – Ludington”
• “Ludington – Suck It, Cadott”

See what I mean? I’ll have the elves get started on a new town sign, and we can fill in whichever slogan you prefer.

I’m excited. These are the sorts of taglines that will put you on the map. And just to make sure – you are technically on the map already, right?

Happy Holidays,
Santa Claus

Dear Jolly Old Elf,

Sigh. You’re probably wondering why we’re so upset. Well, a couple years ago we asked for a new bridge, and you brought us one, and don’t get us wrong, it’s nice. Like, really nice. But the old bridge was way cooler, with its steel struts and wagon-sized roadway. Is there any way we can get the old bridge back and you can keep the new one?

Yours Truly,
Cobban

Cobban,

We talked about this. I specifically told you that a new bridge was a BIG gift and you PROMISED you were ready. I should have listened to Dasher. He KNEW this would happen.

Do you have any idea what that new bridge cost? Mrs. Claus and I now shop at dollar stores so we could it afford it. She put off her shoulder surgery for a YEAR so we could bring you that gift.

I don’t even know what to say. You had better think long and hard about how this request makes us feel.

Santa

Dear St. Nick,

Osseo is getting a Chik-Fil-A? Seriously? Then we’d better get one too. We’re way bigger than they are.

Mondovi

Dead Mondovi,

First of all, Osseo is NOT getting a Chik-Fil-A. Please don’t say anything, but they’ll be getting a KFC/gas station combo, and if they prove they can take care of it, THEN we’ll discuss the possibility of a Chik-Fil-A.

Second, I know the elves and I have always done our best to treat you both equally, but now that you’re getting older, that’s not always going to happen. I know what you actually want is a new snowboard, and that’s a possibility. But if you keep getting get hung up on what Osseo receives, then we’re not going to be able to give you some of the bigger gifts you’re hoping for.

Merry Christmas!
St. Nick